Fic: Laughing at Stars, 5/?

[glory_jean]

Title: Laughing at Stars 5/?
Author: glory_jean
Character/Paring: Nine/Rose, Ten/Rose
Rating: Adult
Beta Team: achuislemochroiannissaghidden_n_hotmilievaoobiemcrubyroyalladyemma
Setting: S2 post AoS
Summary: This is the Doctor and Rose's journey together as they grow from friendship to something more. Can they overcome their separate fears to find common ground?
Prompt 1: never_ever_will prompt 24 pic 3
Prompt 2: This Pic
Disclaimer: Based on characters owned and created by BBC. No infringement intended.
Notes: Written for journeystory Quotes from The Little Prince/Le Petit Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. Chapter title from the song Human Wheels by John Mellencamp.

Beautiful cover and chapter art by moodilylit
Note: if you have a light background format, click "view in in original" to see artwork.
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Fic Masterlist
Chapters:
Prologue
Chapter 1: The Prince and the Rose
Chapter 2: Leap of Faith
Chapter 3: Human-Hindered Eyes










And I knew that I could not bear the thought of never hearing that laughter any more. For me, it was like a spring of fresh water in the desert.

The marketplace was crowded with aliens of every size and description. They milled about, haggling in countless languages that merged into a meaningless buzz of sound. The noise and the chaos filled her senses but underneath was the nagging feeling that there was something she was supposed to be doing. The scent of mysterious foods and spices drifted in the air and she found herself wanting to ignore her forgotten quest and just be in the here and now. She stilled where she stood in the centre of it all, just breathing it in as the cacophony of life parted and streamed around her. A hand touched her arm and turned her but its owner quickly vanished.

"This is not the way," a hushed voice said nearby. "Stay on the path."

Slightly flummoxed by her change in orientation, she looked up and found herself facing an elaborate market tent in a deep blue hue. Its tasselled flaps fluttered appealingly in the breeze and she felt inexplicably drawn to it. Before she realised what she was doing, she had ducked inside.

The noise of the market stopped instantly and the change was slightly unnerving. Ahead lay a long, grey, gothic corridor filled with closed doors. She felt a shiver of dread and wished the Doctor were here with her.

"Oh," she gasped as the breath left her and suddenly memory came rushing back.

She was in the Doctor's mind. No wonder the market had been so loud, she thought to herself, bemused. Rose moved slowly down the hall, finding every door she came to firmly locked. She came to a T in the corridor: one side was brightly lit and the rich wood of the doors gleamed warmly, the other stretched away into darkness, its weak lighting flickering ominously.

"So let's see, nice, bright hallway or scary, dark, mysterious one?" She looked from one to other. "Well, if this were a film, right about now I'd be yelling 'take the lighted one'. But seeing as it's you, Doctor..." At that moment, as if in answer, the flicker rate of the lights in the darkened corridor increased. "Yeah, thought as much."

Rose sighed and turned toward the shadows but as she entered the hall the light began to strobe. A wave of disorientation gripped her. She felt as though her mind was being wretched from her body. Rose fought for some sense of equilibrium and at first she wondered if her eyes were open or shut. She realized it didn't matter as she found herself somehow standing in a field of red grass. Nothing else met her eyes; no trees, no buildings. Above her head was a pale gray, sunless sky.

Rose looked desperately for some sign of the Doctor's presence. Struggling to walk through the oddly unyielding grass, she felt alone and cut off from everything.

Without thinking, she called out to the Doctor, "Where are you? Help me!"

Just as a sense of déjà vu came over her, the Doctor suddenly appeared to her right and the feeling of inertia dissipated. She threw her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly.

"Doctor," she cried, weak with relief.

He did not so much as acknowledge her, remaining stiff and still in her embrace. She stepped back to find him regarding her with undisguised fury. It was the dark, merciless look he gave to his gravest enemy. Never before had she seen it directed at her. Seeing the coldness in his eyes, Rose could only gape wordlessly.

"Rose," he began, his voice deadly calm, "why have you invaded my mind?"

"Invaded," she gasped, stunned by his accusation. Didn't he understand? "No," she struggled to explain, "it's not like that. I—"

"Because there are few things more intrusive than this," he interrupted, seeming to not hear her.

"No, I had to. Don't you know what's happened? The TARDIS told me– she helped me to—"

"Helped you do this?" His voice rose angrily and Rose fought not to wince, "Why? Why would she do this?"

"Because you are dying. I had to. Your mind is locked away and your body can't cope. You have to come back with me."

He looked away, his face blank. He was silent for several moments. Rose fidgeted impatiently, but she didn't push, half afraid he would get angry again. She needed to be calm so he would listen to her. If she could just bring him back, "guide him to the light." Whatever that meant.

"You have to go." His voice was now soft and somewhat bleak.

"That's fine, but you're coming with me. You have to wake up."

"I can't," he argued.

"Yes, you can. That's why I'm here. I'm supposed to guide you."

"I can't. You can't," He insisted, waving off her argument. "You don't understand."

"Then tell me."

"That part of my brain is... involved. This– this...me," he yanked impatiently on his coat, "is just a tiny, representative fragment of who I am."

"You're right." He looked at her sharply so she added, "I don't understand."

A hint of a smile quirked his lips. "Good. You're not meant to. You humans think you understand multi-tasking – Ha! You don't know the half of it." In a heartbeat, he was deathly serious again. "You have to go now. If you get lost in here, I can't help you. And believe me, my mind is not a place you should be wandering off in."

"I came to wake you," she pressed. "I can't just leave you like this."

"Yes, you can. You must."

"Will you wake on your own?"

"Well, yes, of course, assuming I - weeell probably - oh, I'm almost completely sure I..." He looked almost amused at his own uncertainty and ruffled his hair into comical disarray. "I really don't know."

Rose was horrified. "Doctor!"

He sighed. "Rose..."

"No!" She shouted at him, angry now, "I won't do it! I won't leave you like this. What will happen if you can't wake?"

He began to pace, talking rapidly in that dismissive tone of his. "Perhaps I'll regenerate. That would be okay, right? New, new, new Doctor. Well, technically new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new Doctor, but close enough."

"That's not funny — Hang on, how many new's was that?" She realized even as she asked that he was trying to distract her.

The Doctor smiled at her fondly. "Thank you for trying, Rose, but this has to be goodbye. It's wrong of you to be here. I need to work this out on my own."

"No! Tell me what happens if you don't come out of the coma."

Doctor looked slightly frustrated. "I'm not sure, Rose. But whatever happens, the TARDIS will always take you home. Just ask her. If she led you to do this, she can guide you to my return program."

"Not going to happen," she said firmly.

"Yes, it is."

"No!" she argued, quelling the irrational urge to try to bodily drag him back with her. Why did he have to be so stubborn?

"Rose, you have to listen, I can't do this much longer. I'm losing control. I can't help you and my brain is much too dangerous for you be running around in unsupervised."

"Doctor —,"

"No," he said, refusing to let her interrupt and gasping her shoulders desperately, "I won't risk you, Rose. Not like this. Not for me."

"But... "

He moved close, resting his forehead on hers and whispered, "I can't. I'm sorry."

Then his image melted away entirely.

For a second, she was afraid she was being left on her own in the vast emptiness again. But when she looked up, she saw paths branching out all around her. They twisted upward and downward at once like a drawing of impossible staircases she recalled from school. It was all very surreal and she wondered briefly if the Doctor hadn't spent too much time reading fairy tales.

"Guess I'm down the rabbit hole now," she muttered.

She chose the nearest path. Soon the path gave wound into an forest attired in fall colours. Gradually, the sky changed to the orange of sunset and the foliage became all red and silver. With warning, the forest ended and she was standing on a hilltop overlooking a rocky plain. She traced its contours with her eyes and her breath caught in her throat. In the shadow of two snow-covered peaks, a vast domed city stood just ahead, shining and golden as a fairy tale land. Somehow it felt futuristic and ancient at once.

Then the scene seemed to swirl away and she was back in the corridor with the flickering light. For a moment Rose despaired, thinking she'd lost her chance to rescue the Doctor. Then she realized she was standing beside an opened door. From inside, came the sound of women crying. Rose fidgeted uncertainly in the doorway; her first impulse was to help, but, she told herself, none of this was really real after all. Still, it couldn't hurt to could ask.

"Are you all right in there?" she called. There was no response but the room lightened a bit to reveal a huddled shape in the corner. Nearby, appearing to take no notice of where he was, the Doctor sat staring absently into space.

"What's happening here, Doctor?" Rose asked quietly. "Can't you help her?" She realised then he was staring at his hands and that they were covered in blood.

"Blood and tears," he murmured bitterly.

"What?"

"My life."

He turned his head and they were on a battle field. Daleks flew overhead, shooting lasers at unseen targets. The distant sound of screams and explosions filled the air. He began to walk not seeming to see the destruction around him.

"It always ends in blood and tears." He continued walking and Rose struggled to keep up. As they moved the scenery continually shifted like a film reel. A dark alley, a battle-scarred landscape, a green meadow in spring. "And so I run. I run, because I can't stop the tears or the death."

They stepped suddenly into a field of red grass darkened by night. An endless ceiling of stars winked overhead, a vast sea of diamond-like lights.

"But it always finds me."

A group of people gathered in firelight near a mysterious ringed structure. They wore heavy ceremonial robes with elaborate collars. Suddenly, a small boy came hurtling away from the gathering, catapulting past them and vanishing into the night. Rose had the strangest feeling that it was somehow the Doctor, long, long ago.

He stared sadly after the child. "I never wanted to be a Time Lord," he told her. "Well, I did. But I was rubbish at it. So as soon as I could, I ran. I ran from the chains, the discipline, the drudgery. The responsibility. I wanted freedom, adventure. I wanted ... fun."

He turned back to her. "I never wanted to 'grow up.' Grow so stodgy and old like them." He waved a hand at the robed gathering and they vanished from sight. "So I never did." A shadow of a grin passed over his face. Then he moved onward and firelight and the stone structure faded as well.

"But everywhere I went, responsibility found me. Until, ultimately, it was mine, all of it. No-one to share the burden and no-one who could understand it. Just me. The worst of them all, and yet I'm in charge of everything. Gallifrey's fool as theLord of Time," he finished harshly.

They were once again on the barren plain, but now that shining planet whose name she now knew, Gallifrey, hung overhead, much closer than the Earth's moon, red grass, silver trees and shining citadel somehow visible. She blinked and the vision changed. The planet became a blackened husk, burnt and devastated, empty of plant-life and the great dome shattered, leaving the city a skeletal cinder. Piled at the ruined citadel's edge were the broken remains of the circular Dalek ships Rose still saw occasionally in her nightmares. She gazed at it all in horror.

A soft sound drew her gaze downward. Not far from her, seated near a shining tree, was the Doctor. His eyes were fixed on the dead world and a small tearless sob had escaped his throat. She went to his side immediately and sat beside him on the soft, red grass. Silver leaves danced overhead in a gentle breeze. In the strange parody of this dreamland, they sat on the surface of Gallifrey while looking up at its lifeless future.

She put her arms around the Doctor and he curled reflexively into her. She held on to him, murmuring to him reassuringly.

"It's okay. It's okay to miss them. It doesn't matter if you liked them or disagreed with them. They were your people. Of course you miss them."

He withdrew from her, angrily. "You think you understand me, but you know nothing," he spat at her. "I killed them all. I did it. Iburned the planet. I made it happen."

She gasped in surprise.

"I murdered them, Rose. I have no right to grieve them."

"Doctor," Rose cried out desperately. She could feel him slipping away from her and tightened her arms around him as though she could somehow hold him here. "No. I know you. You must have had no other choice..."

"Why are you doing this? Why are you here? Why would you risk losing yourself, your sanity, for me?" He looked at with an unreadable look on his face.

"Be- because..." she stammered. She stopped and took a breath. "Because I love you."

He looked at her, furrowing his brow. "Do you though?"

"Yeah."

"Hmm."

Rose swallowed hard, his reaction sending pain searing through her heart. He continued to look baffled and she wanted nothing more than to shut out this moment and the expression on his face.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled, feeling silly and very young. "I should never have said that. I should know better—"

He cut her off with an urgent, crushing hug.

"No, no, no. Shh, shh, shh," he said with some desperation. "No, I said something wrong."

"Doctor—"

"Shhh! No, no. I was supposed to say something. Or – do something. Oh! Think, think, think! Why can't I think?"

She felt he wanted desperately to ruffle his hair but he wouldn't let her go long enough to manage it. Rose squirmed a hand free to stroke his cheek. His eyes fell shut in reaction and he sighed.

"Rose," he murmured. "My Rose...."

As they sat together, the soft Gallifreyan breeze dissipated and the air grew bitter and cold. They were still sitting under the silver-leafed tree but now they were now surrounded by vast waves, frozen and still, gleaming like blue-green glass.

"Do you remember...."

Rose smiled in recognition. "Yes."

"Such a nice day." He moved to stand urging her up with him.

"Yes, it was."

"But there were other days. Some better and some worse. Like the day I took from you."

Rose turned to him. They were back in the corridor and all the doors were standing wide open.

"Nine hundred years and then some. Can you imagine what's it's like to be faced with all those days?"

Realisation dawned on her suddenly. "The TARDIS said something about an attack."

"Yes."

"These doors are all memories. You can't close the doors."

He flashed her a grave look. "I can't close the doors."

"That's why you wanted me to go."

He refused to meet her eyes.

"What if I helped? Close them I mean."

He looked at her appraisingly then shrugged and looked faintly hopeful. "Only one way to find out."

They moved together to the nearest door and slowly they pushed it closed. It resisted as though they were pushing against wind, but they managed without too much trouble. Rose glimpsed what looked like a lab filled with strange equipment just before it shut. She was about to comment about how easy that had been when the Doctor suddenly yanked her away just as the door banged open violently.

"Worth a shot," the Doctor muttered glumly.

"Again," Rose insisted before he tried to tell her to leave again. They pushed it shut once again and Rose leaned her weight on it, bracing her feet against the floor. "I have an idea," she said quickly as the door began to rattle against her back. "Get the sonic."

"Rose, it's not a real door—"

"Try it anyway. It's your door, your sonic. You know it will work because you made it."

"Mind over matter?" He smirked at her, but dutifully produced the sonic and buzzed it at the lock.

Cautiously, they stepped back, regarding the door with suspension. It stayed closed.

"Well then," the Doctor said thoughtfully, then flashed her a grin, looking more like the man she knew. "Allons-y!"

They dashed up the hall shutting doors and locking them firmly with the sonic. It felt so much like just another adventure, Rose had to keep reminding herself, it was all in her, well, the Doctor's, head.

Then were nearing the end of the hall of doors when they came to a door with a strange, golden light that pooled on the floor just outside. Nearby were other doors with sounds of battle, raised voices and Dalek screams. She ignored the sounds in the other rooms, inexplicably drawn to that golden light.

"Rose, don't," the Doctor called to her weakly but she paid him no mind.

She drew even with the door and peered inside.

The game station. Twisted wires the Doctor had been working on lay tangled on the floor. Daleks. Things about that day she recalled, but not. Then, herself, haloed in gold in front of the TARDIS.

"I am the Bad Wolf. I create myself," she said while her Doctor in leather looked on with a mixture of awe and horror. Her voice, but not. Her words, but not. Something began to pulse in the back of her mind. Something she felt she should know.

"Rose!" Then the Doctor was there, her current Doctor, pulling her away and forcing her to look at him. "I took this day from you. I took it for a reason. You don't need– you shouldn't have to—"

But she had already turned her head back to the room even as he gripped her arms tightly.

Daleks to dust. Everything golden hues. And she knew all this. Somehow. But not. How could she let go?

"Doesn't it drive you mad?" The Doctor's voice drifted to her in its northern tones.

Yes, she answered silently.

"I think you need a Doctor."

Lips on hers then, and now. Only this time she felt it from his side of things. Felt what he did, felt how much he... For a fleeting moment, her mind touched his in a strange, thrilling way. She was overwhelmed; her human brain unable to process it all. Then a hand took hers. The Doctor, the current Doctor, stood before her.

"Please," he murmured, "don't look any more." A door appeared between her and the past and he pushed it closed. She cast a longing look back and he cupped her check, turning her look at him. "Rose, don't," he pleaded with quiet urgency. "It's too... personal."

She nodded and swallowed hard, trying to separate her feelings from his. "I know. I'm sorry." She squeezed his hand, shakily. "I didn't remember. I'm not very good at this."

When he spoke his voice sounded almost normal. "You're only Human." He grinned at her indignation. "But I think you're doing brilliantly."

A small smile formed on her lips. "Yeah?"

"Oh, yes."

Rose forced herself to break from his gaze and saw with surprise that the remaining doors, save one, were shut. From the last, the familiar hum of the TARDIS filled her ears. The familiar hum of the TARDIS filled her ears. She thought to go through that door and the corridor shifted dizzily and they were there, inside the room. She felt she might have fallen if the Doctor was not still holding onto her.

Rose stood in a control room vastly different than the one she knew. The main room was vast. The console stood on a stone dais flanked by steel girders that rose high overhead. Off in the shadows, Rose could see groupings of furniture.

"What's happened to the TARDIS?"

The Doctor was staring at her like she was a dangerous, unfamiliar creature but he managed, "Nothing. Yet."

She stepped onto the dias looking around with wonder. Taking a closer look at the console, Rose could see that while it used seemingly low tech knobs and switches, nothing was broken and everything was tidy. She ran her hand over a control panel the colour of aged leather with neat little roman numeral dials set into it. A pang of inexplicable sorrow hit her heart that the familiar assortment of strange, cobbled-together equipment was nowhere to be seen.

"That's right," came an unfamiliar voice. "Once upon a time things were different. The universe was not at war. Things were just a little... kinder and there was such a thing as 'order' in the universe."

She turned to see a man in a white hat leaning on an umbrella.

"Rose Tyler," he continued, rolling the "R"s dramatically. "What do you see when you look at the stars? Light, calm, serenity perhaps?" He pressed a button and swept the hand holding the umbrella aloft as the TARDIS ceiling melted away into an amazing star scape.

Rose gaped, captivated. "Did it really do that? I mean, before."

"Yes," he said impatiently, "but don't get distracted. Answer the question."

"Oh. Yes, I suppose so."

"It's all an illusion, you know." Her eyes still fixed on the ceiling, Rose was confused for a moment until he went on. "If only you could see the chaos underneath it all."

She focussed on him again with a frown. "Doctor, you've got to stop this. We've been through this already."

He looked at her, uncertain now. "We have?" Then he seemed to flicker a moment and was suddenly a taller man clad a long, velvet coat, softly curling hair framing his face. "I can't remember that. What were we doing, Rose?"

Before she could form an answer he was racing around the console, frantically pushing buttons. "I have to do it. I have to stop the madness. I can't allow any more atrocities to continue."

"Doctor!" Rose shouted, grabbing his hands to still him. "You have to stop. You have to close this door right now and come with me. You have to let this go—"

Her voice cut off suddenly. It was as if a vice was somehow squeezing the air from her lungs. Rose wanted to cough or gasp, but there was no breath in her body to allow her do either. Hands grasped her hard by the shoulders and her greying vision cleared.

"Rose," the Doctor whispered in anguish.

With a shimmer, Jack appeared by the console. "Rose Tyler, you must cease this rescue attempt immediately. Your vital signs are reaching a critical state. Your body will fail if you persist."

"Oh, Rose, what have you done?"

"I'm sorry. It was the only way I could think of. I have to save you."

"You have to get out but I can't help you. History is repeating itself. I have to re-live these memories now. You've got yourself hopelessly entangled in here."

She felt weaker by the moment, her body starting to go limp in his arms. He led her to the nearest chair and lowered her into it.

"I'm sorry," she repeated in a whisper. "I thought I could just help you close all the doors and everything would be fine."

His voice was distant and dream-like, "It was the Time Lords or the universe the last time. This time it's not the universe." He looked into her eyes in way that made her heart jump, "It's you, Rose Tyler." He stroked her cheek and then took a step back. "I was a coward then and I'm a coward now."

She wanted to call him on his dodgy thinking, but she lacked the strength.

"I'm not brave enough to let you go," he told her and he pulled a lever on the console. If Rose had expected light and expositions, she would have been confounded. Instead, there was a deafening un-sound, as if all noise had been removed, and an awful pressure. A darkness that was not mere darkness but a complete absence of light engulfed her...


...And she knew no more.



Rose awoke, floating in an endless sea of blackness. Was this death? Or was it the moment just before? She let herself despair; she had failed. The Doctor was gone and she was trapped in nothingness. She would have shivered if she had been able to feel her body. TARDIS/Jack's warnings trickled to the surface of her thoughts. She pictured the two of them wasting away until death claimed them both. Would he regenerate, dying over and over? The thought was agonising. Rose had never felt so helpless and alone.

She let her mind wander, remembering all the things she had seen and felt within the Doctor' mind. For the first time, perhaps, she could begin to understand just how different he really was from humans.

Hours or perhaps moments later, she felt a shadow pass over her. Before she could puzzle out how she could "feel" a shadow in the absolute dark, it came again; a whisper of feeling, sound, and sight all at once. Minute by minute, it grew stronger. It began to resolve itself into something familiar, so achingly familiar....

A touch on her forehead, a breath, a whispered word, "Rose," a sound so familiar.

Then, his voice was there, gently chiding, "Rose, wake up, you silly little human." She wanted to answer but she couldn't remember how. He calmly commanded, "Wake up now. You can infiltrate a Time Lord mind, force me out of my own subconscious, but you can't shift yourself out of your own brain?"

She tried to move towards his voice but she felt heavy and weighed down.

He tutted. "You're just not trying very hard, are you?"

She was so tired and wanted nothing more than to rest, but he continued to goad her, his incessant presence not allowing her to sleep.

"Come on Rose," his tone shifted into annoyance, "if you're just going to lie there, I'll have to take you back to your mum. Let her sort you out. I have no time for a lay-about who can't even get herself moving."

His ingratitude was galling. After the day she'd had and all she'd done for him...? She had a powerful urge to smack him. Suddenly, Rose opened eyes to see him looking down at her with a smug grin on his face. Part of her was pleased to see him - or anything for that matter- but a larger part wanted to wipe that grin from his face.

"Welcome back." His eyes gleamed with unsuppressed pride. "Well, you certainly had a bit of an adventure for yourself, didn't you?"

"D-d-d," she tried to form his name, but her mouth refused to co-operate. Rose's eyes widened in panic.

"No, no," the Doctor quickly soothed, stroking her cheek with the back of his hand. "It's okay. You're fine. Your brain's just a little confused right now. Needs to work out where everything is and what's what." He brought their clasped hands into her line of vision. "This doesn't even seem like your hand, does it? You can feel me holding it, feel the difference in our body temperature, but when you look at your hand - it just doesn't feel like it belongs to you. Am I right?"

She looked and realised it was true. She nodded her head and even that motion seemed to come from a distance, as though she had thought of moving and someone else's body echoed the movement. She looked at him nervously, silently imploring him to fix this. He watched her silently for a moment then squeezed beside her on the narrow bed.

"You spent far too long inside my head. It's going to take a little bit for your mind to reorient itself. It's a bit like a newborn or a person with brain injury. You'd suffered through a psychic attack and then you..." he broke off, seemingly overwhelmed. "You have to learn to feel again. You will be fine, though. There's no damage, everything's perfect. You just need rest. Rest and time and you'll be right as rain."

She nodded again, trying to ignore how strange it felt. He smiled down at her then leant and pressed a kiss to her cheek.

"Thank you, Rose Tyler," he murmured close to her ear.


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So ends Part 1 but not the story. This was started as a 10,000 word fic for journeystory and quickly got out of hand. Therefore it was necessary to break this in two for my own sanity (and looming deadlines). I meant to get a good start on part 2 while making beta changes to the first part but RL and many betas with good ideas pushed that timeline back. So, we will pause here, but hopefully not for long.

Many thanks to my wonderful betas and my talented artist.